Today was a heartbreaking day for me. It wasn't until I attended MJ's memorial that the reality he is no longer with us, hit me hard. I cried and cried at the speeches, the songs, seeing his casket, and all the family, friends, fans that bawled around me.
I first saw MJ play when I was 5 years old. My mother and her friends took me to The Forum in 89. I was already a fan of MJ because of his music videos on TV, and Captain Eo at Disneyland. I remember the opening to his show. Seeing a large screen projecting his infamous Moonwalk. I was in a trance. My mother said she didn't even know if I was enjoying the show because I just stared at him. I couldn't take my eyes away but I didn't even sing along despite the fact I knew most the songs. I just stood and soaked it all in. She tried to sneak us out before the encore to avoid crowds and that was the only reaction she saw from me. I screamed and cried as if I were going to die. I demanded we watch the remainder of the show. She had to drag me up the escalator with me hooting and hollering. My mom got so embarrassed by the scene I was causing she finally let go of my arm after dragging me to the top. I immediately turned around and ran down the up escalator to watch the rest of the show. I was very young but that memory is still so vivid for me. His show changed my life. After that, I watched his shows religiously. I went through several VHS copies of Moonwalker because I watched it so often. There was something so tender, human, magical and somehow godly about Michael Jackson. He was someone you could relate to really look up to. I don't know. Maybe this is all getting too heavy and emotional but he really impacted me growing up. He made me believe I could do anything if I worked hard enough for it.
I continued being a fan of MJ all through my teenage years too. When I was 14 I went with my parents to Prague because my father was working for Sony at the time and he had to go there for business. Michael Jackson was performing there two nights in a row. I was a teen with all the mean attitude that comes with that at the time so I presented the attitude of "I don't give a fuck" to my parents regularly. We got to our hotel and my mother told me MJ was staying in the same hotel. I responded with, "cool. whatever." I then vanished for hours. My parents wondered where I was. I said I was "just going downstairs to read for a bit." They discovered I was standing outside with hundreds of fans all standing beneath his window. I just stared up at his window hoping for a glimpse. I tried to act like I was too cool to join in the fandom but he was my one weakness.
Later that night I saw him perform. I cried, I sang, I laughed, I danced while I watched his show in Prague. It was another life changing concert. I returned to the hotel with my parents feeling like it was the best night of my life. Just as we were stepping in we heard people shout "Michael Jackson is coming in." My heart skipped a beat and I turned around. Security burst in moving people out of the way. People started crying and screaming. MJ came in and shook everyones hands, including mine. His eyes were so beautiful, the rest of his face was covered with a mask but he said in a tiny voice, "nice to meet you, you're all wonderful." Just like everyone else I suddenly cried. I don't know what came over me. It was overwhelming.
I'm writing about this for me I guess. I relived these memories at the memorial today. I remembered how much he impacted my life and how much his music still will. Call this entry cheesy ... but ... man ... I'm really hurting. He was such a talent. Such a wonderful gem in this world. He changed mine in many ways. I really loved MJ and will continue on doing so. Of course he was called a freak and some horrible things were said about him (true or untrue) and he did look quite frightening after the many surgeries ... but he was human and he was attacked for everything he said or did. He was beaten as a child and then became an immediate star on top of it; invaded by everyone around him. I think it's tragic.
After the memorial I continued to cry a long time. I re-watched Moonwalker thanks to Youtube. I watched his music videos and sobbed.
He had a very beautiful soul.
I miss you MJ, I really do.
One of your biggest fans,
Victoria Jane Asher
Tags: victoria asher michael jackson
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